Welcome to the Charm City, which actually has no charm about it whatsoever. Baltimore, or as the locals call it Bawlmehr has all the charm of the Zika virus. Let’s give 10 reasons why it is okay to hate Baltimore
1) Once you go west of the Bay Bridge the locals refer to where they live by county. Not by town like the rest of the free fucking world. Gee fuckface, that narrows it down. That’s like saying I live in Chicago on Western Avenue. That just narrows it down to somewhere between Touhy Ave and 130th St.
2) Hey fuckbreath, palm trees don’t work here. The famed trees you see in many beach towns in Florida and California are imported to beach town bars and hotels in Maryland every summer. You know why they are imported every summer. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SURVIVE THE FUCKING WINTER IN MARYLAND!
3) I have a great idea for our signature food. Let’s take a delicious shellfish, beat the ever living shit out it, grind it up and turn it into something that looks like a pussified hamburger. Crab are delicious on their own, no need to fuck them up!
4) Hey fuckface, it’s okay to pronounce your “T’s” every now and then.
5) Holy fucking tax hell Batman. When O’Malley was Governor between 2007-2015, he created or raised 40 different taxes, some affectionately known as the rain tax (since repealed) or the flush tax, and by the way, those aren’t punch lines, those are real things. This is the kind of shit that happens when 25 percent of your population consists of government employees, which by definition are tax consumers instead of tax contributors
6) If you have ever seen “The Wire” you might think some of those shitholes are mere pockets of a good city. It’s even worse than is portrayed there
7) Natty Boh. The only thing it’s got going for it is that it’s cheap and doesn’t identify you as a hipster like PBR does even though Natty Boh is now brewed by Pabst.
8) The rivalry with Washington. Baltimore claims at least we weren’t built on a swamp. Washington claims we turned a swamp into a thriving city, and you turned a perfectly good piece of land into, well, Baltimore
9) Among Baltimore’s contributions to society include the Ouija Board. FML!
10) If you look up what you should know before moving to Baltimore, among the selling points is that it is a short drive from DC, NYC and Philly. In other words, there is something fun to do, so long as you get the fuck out of town.
Next week, we continue our National Hate tour as we continue visiting the AFC East, and boy, do we have some fucking shitholes left to hate upon. Our next options are Cleveland (hello Obamaphones), Cincinnati (hello shitty chili) or Pittsburgh (seriously is there a fucking sandwich yinz don’t put fries on).