Good morning people. This week we play the Detroit Lions. What can I say about Detroit that hasn’t been said about Afghanistan? It’s bombed out and depleted. I personally wouldn’t advocate going to Detroit driving anything nicer than a Yugo, but let me give you some reasons before you flee South to Canada for your safety.
1) Outsourcing. Detroit might not have invented outsourcing jobs, but good Lord did they perfect it. It seems most every manufacturing job in town has moved elsewhere.
2) The Lions. If any franchise in sports personifies the term “ineptitude” it is the Lions. They haven’t won a title since 1957, haven’t won a playoff game since 1991, and have the NFL’s only 0-16 season in history. If a way to lose has yet to be invented, trust me, the Lions are working on making that a reality just for you. I mean, even the Cubs who haven’t won a World Series since the Teddy Roosevelt Administration pity you.
3) Property Values. On one hand it is nice to be able to buy a house for less than the cost of a gallon of milk, on the other hand, you must live in Detroit.
4) The schools. There are estimates that nearly half of Detroit residents are functionally illiterate. No wonder they are Lions fans.
5) Poverty. Some estimates have over 60% of Detroit’s youth being raised in poverty. I am unsure Afghanistan could reach such a lofty number.
6) Detroit Invented the Slider and their most famous food is the Coney Dog. Thanks assholes for giving millions of people the shits!
7) How bad do you have to be for Cleveland to thumb its nose at you?
8) Vacancies. Detroit has enough vacant properties to house the entire city of Boston. On the plus side the homeless are able to have a roof over their heads every night.
9) Juggalos. The fan base of the Detroit band Insane Clown Posse is perhaps the first group of fans of a particular music group to be labeled a gang by the FBI. Congratulations!
10) The fans. Detroit area fans took making the fans part of the game a tad too far on November 19, 2004, when Ron Artest (now known as Metta World Peace) went into the stands to knock the ever living piss out of a guy who threw a beer at him, even though it was the wrong guy. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Troit Bas-ket-ball!
Bonus piece of hate here. The photo you see pictured above is a Google Earth photo taken of a house in Detroit. Talk about hospitality! I rail about government waste all the time and there is no shortage of it in Detroit. Unfortunately in Detroit, instead of cleaning that stuff up, they instead cut out luxuries such as functioning stoplights and streetlights. Lord knows, I shouldn’t be able to see those roving gangs toting AK-47s when I drive down my block
Next week we travel to the land of 10,000 lakes, or if you are a Vikings fan, the land of a million heartbreaks. However, let’s not fuck up a perfect season at the most inopportune time possible (right Gary Anderson?) and enjoy the hate on Detroit this week. Besides I don’t want to think about the nastiest food ever created in the history of the world for as long as possible.