Welcome back folks! We have another marquee matchup this week between the Packers and the Panthers. I realize many of you until 6 minutes ago didn’t realize there was a professional football team in North Carolina, but trust me, they have uniforms and everything!
1) The sports landscape is just ass-backwards in town. NASCAR is #1 and college basketball is #2. I am unsure many of the residents of Charlotte realize they even have an NFL team, let alone an NBA team and an NHL team. Either that or they are just too busy fighting about the next Duke-North Carolina game to care.
2) North Carolina BBQ sauce is way way way too heavy on the vinegar. I personally wouldn’t even feed it to your dog, which by the way, I kicked.
3) Civil War Re-enactments. I have a great idea! Let’s go recreate a war in which we got our asses kicked. Let’s hope the Panthers live up to the spirit of their hometown and have a 1996 NFCCG re-enactment.
4) Inferiority complex. Being a native Milwaukeean I am well familiar with this syndrome. There seems to be an undying urge to compete with Atlanta for King of the South. Charlotte isn’t, never was, and never will be Atlanta. The question you should ask yourself is why you would want to be?
5) Transplants. Speaking of comparing yourself to Atlanta. Nobody is from Charlotte. You could walk around downtown ask everyone you meet and not meet a single person from there.
6) The featured image in this article is what Charlotte thinks is public art, this piece is called “Grande Disco.” Good gravy!
7) Hey fuckstick! The cat is out of the bag on that whole “Bless your heart” thing. We know it really means to go fuck yourself. So, Bless your heart, but you gotta come up with a new saying.
8) We all know that NASCAR is based out of Charlotte and has a HOF there. However that doesn’t mean that you drivers on the interstate race cars for a living. It’s tailgating not drafting you worthless sack of shit!
9) Panthers fans. Since the Panthers are only 20 years old as a franchise most of their fans are also fans of other teams. It’s nice to have the Steelers, Falcons or Redskins in your back pocket just in case your local team sucks. (which it usually does)
10) Nobody ever goes out in Charlotte. While New York is the city that never sleeps Charlotte could be considered the city that never wakes.
And oh yeah, here is a bonus piece of hate. Bank of America Stadium doesn’t have beer vendors in the seating bowl. Yep, you have to leave your seat to get your overpriced Bud Light. I can’t imagine that creating any congestion issues at the concession stands. Jesus fucking Christ! And oh yeah, if you root for an NFL team that charges PSLs for the right to buy season tickets, you can thank the Carolina Panthers, they invented that shit.
Next week we get to get back to good old fashioned NFC North black and blue division football with a home game against the Detroit Lions. Detroit is perhaps the most easily hateable town in the US. So after LKP lets us know what his excuse for suddenly not wanting to show up at Lambeau Field next week is, I will have plenty of reasons to hate the Motor City.