Welcome to the Valley of the Sun, where we have a week 16 matchup with what in my opinion is the best team in the NFL, the Chicago er I mean St Louis er I mean Phoenix er I mean Arizona Cardinals. I don’t know who decided to put a Metropolitan area of over 3 million people in the middle of a desert where temps in the summer routinely exceed 120 degrees, but let’s just say that guy was an idiot. Fun fact, the Arizona Cardinals, have the longest Championship drought of any team in the NFL that has won at least 1 Championship (yes, that includes the Lions). The Cardinals last won the NFL Championship in 1947 when they were playing in Chicago. Congrats! You are only 39 years behind the Cubs! Before I go on too much, let’s bust out our SPF 3000, head down to Phoenix for some good old fashioned hate on Arizona.
1) It’s like a dry Florida. Retirees are fucking everywhere! What does that mean to functioning people like you and me? Be careful on the roads because we never know when Elmer or Sophie’s Alzheimer’s will act up and they will forget to brake before a red light.
2) Everything is beige. From the ground to the buildings. So let me channel my inner Sam Kinison. YOU LIVE IN A DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING’S GONNA GROW OUT HERE!
3) It’s America’s least sustainable major city. Mind numbing heat? Check? Rapid population growth, both of the legal and illegal variety? Check. A vast source of water? Uh-oh!
4) Sports. They are one of the cities with all 4 major sports in America and only one has a championship to its name while playing in Phoenix, that being the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks, which selfishly and callously defeated the New York Yankees less than 2 months after 9/11. Probably a lot of Bin Laden sympathizers down there. Fuckers!
5) Disrespect to History. Parts of Downtown were built over 3,000 year old ruins. Way to go dickheads!
6) The picture above is what they view as Public Art which you can see outside the Phoenix Art Museum
7) The kidnapping capital of the U.S. Congratulations!
8) Checkpoints. I understand checkpoints at the border. But what the fuck is up with checkpoints as many as 75 miles inside the country? I would tend to think that at least affects commerce to and from the region in some detrimental fashion.
9) Those damn rebels! Arizona is one of two states in America (Hawaii being the other) that doesn’t observe daylight savings time.
10) The wildlife. At least in much of the rest of the civilized world, if we see a dead animal carcass, we don’t have to bury it out of fear of it killing us long after it’s dead.
Next week, we have a matchup presumably for the division title against the hated Minnesota Vikings. I try not to duplicate in these when we have a 2nd matchup, so I will probably be soliciting some help if you wish to contribute. That said, the Twin Cities are a deplorable place and nobody should live there ever.