Week 2 of the NFL season is mercifully over. Some teams won, some teams lost, while a select few earned true wins at my discretion. Let’s take a look at the true rankings of power across the NFL to honor the man, the myth, the legend, MIB.
- New England Patriots (2-0)- I know you’ve found a new way to cheat but you did beat the Cardinals and Dolphins even while missing key players. System QB?
- Denver Broncos (2-0)-Ride that defense like a horse faced Elway.
- Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0)-Terry Bradshaw is still drunk from celebrating your win over the Bengals in 1978.
- Minnesota Vikings (2-0)-Sam Brademargherd you beat Green Bay. I enjoyed that. We’ll see if you have a true defense against Carolina, beating that bum Aaron Rodgers doesn’t count. Peterson took a switch to the leg though. You’ll disappoint someone very soon.
- Arizona Cardinals (1-1)-One step closer to Palmer playing terribly in the playoffs.
- Houston Texans (2-0)-Revenge on KC for the beat down from the playoffs. Bill O’Brien’s butt chin has many powers.
- Carolina Panthers (1-1)-retardedhats.com
- Seattle Seahawks (1-1)- Wilson can’t scramble around and make a fluke play on one leg.
- New York Giants (2-0)- Martin Mayhew really turned things around in New York.
- Philadelphia Eagles (2-0)- Jim Schwartz really turned things around in Philadelphia. But maybe beat a non-shitty team. Browns and Bears don’t count.
- Baltimore Ravens (2-0)- Browns and Bills don’t count.
- Kansas City (1-1)- This is the year Andy Reid goes full Walrus.
- Detroit Lions (1-1). True 2-0. Remember the Titans got lucky.
- Cincinnati Bengals (1-1)- No cheap shots on the Steelers this time. You still lost though
- Green Bay Packers (1-1)- Rodgers regression.
- New York Jets (1-1)- Marshall and Forte look great together. They should have joined forces sooner.
- Oakland Raiders (1-1)-Losing at home in Oakland. Las Vegas here you come.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)- Winston!!! Winston!!!! *ghost train goes through Winston*. And then Arizona crushed you.
- Atlanta Falcons (1-1)-Dirty Bird. No seriously take a shower, you stink and lost to the Bucs.
- San Diego Chargers (1-1). You should be 2-0 but you blew a lead. Glad you exposed Jacksonville as a fraud.
- New Orleans Saints (0-2)- You finally play some defense but then your offense dies.
- San Francisco 49ers (1-1)- Great Week 1 then you were on your knees faster than Kaepernick during the anthem.
- Los Angeles Rams (1-1)- New town same shit. Maybe a little more silicone. Be thankful Wilson is a gimp.
- Dallas Cowboys (1-1)- Dak Attack is Back Jack. Redskins fans are so sad now, I use their tears in to salt my burnt popcorn at work.
- Miami Dolphins (0-2)- Spend all that money on Suh. You need Tunsil’s gas mask for how much you stink.
- Indianapolis Colt (0-2)- Bad Luck in the secondary. Good Luck at QB.
- Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2)- Media hype is worthless just like this team.
- Tennessee Titans (1-1). Fluke win was a bunch of Mularkey. Lions dominated until Ansah and all their linebackers died. You’ll be back to the basement soon enough. Remember that Titans.
- Buffalo Bills (0-2)- Looks like Rex Ryan put his foot in his mouth again about the Bills chances
- Washington Redskins (0-2)- You don’t like that!!!!
- Cleveland Browns (0-2)- Josh McCown was great until the Browns curse kicked in. Bring back Bernie Kosar.
- Alabama Crimson Tide
- Chicago Bears (0-2)- Bears still too high.