Random, irrelevant, and sure to make someone lose their god damn mind.
Enjoy.
| Rank | Team | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Denver Broncos | Maybe Von Miller can QB |
| 2 | New England Patriots | Billy B has enough time to figure out rules to skirt while Brady is suspended |
| 3 | Arizona Cardinals | Carson Palmer in the playoffs. woof. |
| 4 | Seattle Seahawks | Every time a Lynch ends Gundy sheds a single tear |
| 5 | Carolina Panthers | Gettleman you do such weird things. My official diagnosis is that you're a sadist. |
| 6 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Heinz Ketchup squirting bitches. |
| 7 | Cincinnati Bengals | I bet Andy Dalton doesn't even know what a pickle string is. |
| 8 | Green Bay Packers | Failing to reach expectations since 2011. |
| 9 | Houston Texans | No offense but you have a pretty ok defense. |
| 10 | Minnesota Vikings | Teddy B and co gonna go all the way to the super bowl. Its a bowling alley in Appleton, WI. Should be a good team building activity for them in January. |
| 11 | Kansas City Chiefs | The only reason Andy Reid is still here is because he thinks he coaches the chefs. |
| 12 | Indianapolis Colts | This team has so much bad Luck they should shove their horseshoe logos up their asses. For science. |
| 13 | Baltimore Ravens | The season needs to start ASAP. Need to lower that Baltimore crime rate. |
| 14 | Oakland Raiders | Very solid moves. Then again the same can be said about my bowels this morning. |
| 15 | Washington Redskins | OMG can you be any more insensitive to the native american population? I mean really? Out of all the bad things done to them this literally has to be the worst. |
| 16 | New York Jets | Either Brandon Marshall is cursed or only shitty teams want to deal with him. Either way have fun with no playoffs again. |
| 17 | Dallas Cowboys | How bout them Cowboys? No really how bout them? A colonoscopy is more interesting to me than this team. |
| 18 | New York Giants | Eli Manning is back to the kiddie table at Thanksgiving thanks to his big brother. |
| 19 | Atlanta Falcons | Remember that time you were relevant? |
| 20 | Buffalo Bills | Remember that time you lost 4 straight super bowls. |
| 21 | New Orleans Saints | Drew Brees should ask for a raise for having to deal with this nonsense. |
| 22 | Philadelphia Eagles | Dougie P, all those years of wearing that visor and holding that clipboard finally paid off. |
| 23 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Your helmets are uglier than Taylor Swift. |
| 24 | Detroit Lions | Oh, oh, oh, I have a really good joke for here... it goes something something Marvin Jones will replace Calvin Johnson's production. |
| 25 | Chicago Bears | Shea McClellin may be gone but will never be forgotten. |
| 26 | Miami Dolphins | Flipper thinks you're all a bunch of bitches. |
| 27 | San Diego Chargers | I can see why Junior Seau went out when he did. Too soon? |
| 28 | Los Angeles Rams | Newsflash St Louis, you're such a shitty city that the rams would rather play in that shithole Colosseum than stay there one more day. |
| 29 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | The average win percentage for a Buccaneers coach is .338. But I'm sure switching coaches again should help the problem. |
| 30 | Tennessee Titans | Should strike while the iron is hot and change your nickname to the transgenders. At least then people might root for you. |
| 31 | Cleveland Browns | When in doubt, pick up the team and move to a different city and rake in the Championships. |
| 32 | San Francisco 49ers | Chip Kelly shouldn't be trusted to run a Burger King. |