That’s right, it’s Monday! Which means it’s time to make some wild accusations and baseless claims, all from the largest pool of data possible: a whole game! How did your team stack up over the weekend? It better have done well, otherwise it’s pretty obvious they are losers and won’t be going anywhere for the rest of the year. Now, without further ado, here is what we learned this weekend.
Jay Cutler is the Worst QB in the NFC North
Jay Cutler put on one of his historic performances against Green Bay this weekend, moving him to 1-9 against the most important rival the Bears can speak of. Not only did he lose the game, he lost it on the back of 2 typical interceptions. Yep, he sucks, and all the evidence to the contrary is pointless. It’s really too bad the Bears decided to make him the most overpaid QB in the history of sports. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater came in for the Vikings and proved he’s the QB of the future, defeating the hapless Atlanta Falcons in stylish fashion. The win instantly vaulted past the languishing Cutler into that coveted 3rd spot behind the best QB in the league, Aaron Rodgers, and also Matt Stafford. Only time, and maybe next week, will tell if he has what it takes to jump over Stafford as well.
The Buccaneers are the Best Team in the NFC South
Can there be any question that the Bucs are the class of the NFC South? No, there can’t. In a weekend where the Panthers, Saints, and Falcons were all completely humiliated so badly that the teams will probably be sold off piecemeal in an attempt to get tax breaks, the Bucs stood firm and defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers. It is all too clear now that Mike Glennon is the best QB in the Division, ahead of Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, and the dwarfish interception machine, Drew Brees. Lovie Smith is the best coach the NFC South has ever had, and the Buccaneers are obviously on their way to 5 straight division championships.
Eli Manning is the Best Manning Brother, and Kirk Cousins Should Be Fired
It’s all there on the stat sheet, clear as day. Eli Manning proves he is as elite as they come, with his 4 passing touchdowns to only 1 interception against the arch-rival Redksins. How could we all have been so blind? He is amazing. He overshadowed the inept counterpart to RGIII, Kirk Cousins, who was only a flash in the pan and never could have been good to begin with. Cousins threw 4 interceptions to only 1 touchdown, while also throwing away the Redskins’ season, his career, and all the momentum RGIII had worked so hard to build up at the beginning of the year. For shame, Kirk, for shame.
The Dallas Cowboys are Back to Their Super Bowl Winning Ways
Isn’t it obvious? They won another game! That means they are the best, and should never be doubted again! The amazing defense of the Dallas Cowboys held the scoring juggernaut of the Saints to a measly 17 points, while Clutch Super-QB Tony Romo led the cowboys to an astounding 38. Romo’s 137.4 Passer Rating is all the proof I need to know he is better than Troy Aikman, and will lead the Cowboys to at least 20 Super Bowls. Just you wait; Jerry Jones will be proven the smartest GM in NFL history.
All The Packers’ Defensive Woes Are Now Behind Them
Did you not see the final score? That’s all that matters! They held the super WRs of the Chicago Bears to a laughable 17 points! That Dom Capers is a genius. I mean, sure, it took Marc Trestman’s terrible time management, 2 Jay Cutler interceptions, and Micah Hyde’s strategic placement in front of an endzone camera to do it, but those are just things that don’t matter! Who cares about 496 yards of total offense, or 33 first downs allowed? 17 POINTS, YOU IGNORANT SAVAGES! Reggie White would be so proud!
I can’t wait until next Monday!