PROCTOLOGISTICS
A Packers Fan Prayer
May the road rise up to meet you
May the first game kick you squarely in the crack of the ass
May the Packers shit right upon your face
And may John Fox hold you in the palm of his hands
Week one is behind us. There is no arguing the results. Green Bay will OBVIOUSLY win the Superbowl.
NOW, IT’S TIME TO OVERREACT!
Five things in life are sure:
1. Patriots cheat
2. Suh Stomps
3. Pacman is a thug
4. Death
5. Taxes
Week one taught us two things:
1. Any given Sunday
2. Sometimes it hurts to poop.
(OK, well maybe I’m the only one who learned the last lesson.)
Chip Kelly is a moron, not a genius.
Week Two Results Based On Ranking
HA! last week my rankings went 11-5. I am prepared to be humbled, but here is week two by rankings:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Denver | Kansas City (H) |
| Carolina (H) | Houston |
| Pittsburgh (H) | San Francisco |
| New Orleans (H) | Tampa Bay |
| Minnesota (H) | Detroit |
| Arizona | Chicago (H) |
| New England | Buffalo (H) |
| Cincinnati (H) | San Diego |
| Tennessee | Cleveland (H) |
| Atlanta | New York Giants (H) |
| Saint Louis | Washington (H) |
| Miami | Jacksonville (H) |
| Baltimore | Oakland (H) |
| Dallas | Philadelphia (H) |
| Green Bay (H) | Seattle |
| Indianapolis (H) | New York Jets |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 9)
1493 = Nadsuck’em Suh jumped on the head of Amerigo Vespucci.
1786 – Patrick Henry took a dump and said, “I’m going to take a Lion”.
1921 – (actually, Sept 14 = 20) -The National Football League is formed, Johnny Unitas becomes the career touchdown pass leader and Walter Payton sets the all-time rushing touchdown record.
2014 – Sgunderson said, “Wow, Teddy Bridgewater is a really accurate passer”.
WHO’S HOT
Raji@tindr.com
WHO’S NOT
Wow! so many choices! I’ll pick the Lions, because screw the Lions!
YOU SAID IT
NightStalkerThief – Hatin on the Saints! With all our injuries we might just end up with that rank though…
JJ– Own it. OWN IT. OWN IT!
Nardo – 8-8 is great – What a glorious morning! Found out I got a 10% merit and promotional increase, with my promotion being from a Construction Technical Specialist III to a Project Manager II – I jumped two spots son!
JJ – Huh? HUH? Give me a little credit here! Congratulations on our mutual success!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 1-0 | *SCRRRACTCH *CLICK CLICK "You have to love these Patriots. 1st and 10 on the Thirty-five." *Craaack Pop! "What in the hell are we listening to?" -Mike Tomlin |
| 2 (3) | Green Bay Packers | 1-0 | Hearts stopped as images of Brandon Bostick flashed before the eyes of Packer fans. *GASP *Oh, THANK JESUS! |
| 3 (5) | Denver Broncos | 1-0 | "Does Peyton look old to you?" -Ravens fan "STFU!" - Broncos fan and FF owners |
| 4 (6) | Dallas Cowboys | 1-0 | I'm guessing Eli got one of your game balls. If not you suck. JK, You suck anyway. |
| 5 (10) | Arizona Cardinals | 1-0 | YOU'RE GOING DOOWWNN! -Sorry, Bears fan here. |
| 6 (11) | Cincinnati Bengals | 1-0 | I punch you in the head! I smash you head into yo helmet! - Pacman Jones You have no history of violence, we'll give you a fine. -NFL |
| 7 (13) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-0 | "It's up to us, boys. The Royals are out of it. The city is counting on us!" - Andy Reid "Coach, the Royals are still in the playoffs." - Player "Hmm, do your best." - Andy Reid "Nice talk, coach" |
| 8 (14) | Miami Dolphins | 1-0 | "Great play, Suh! Way to play clean!" -Dolphins "What a dirty shitbag!" - Lions fans |
| 9 (2) | Seattle Seahawks | 0-1 | Have you thought about the Legion of Broom to clean up your mess with Kam? |
| 10 (4) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-1 | I consider myself more "special" than "elite". - Andrew Luck |
| 11 (7) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 0-1 | Wow! You're like steak and potatoes...without the steak. |
| 12 (8) | Baltimore Ravens | 0-1 | More like Balti-less. AMIRITE! |
| 13 (9) | Philadelphia Eagles | 0-1 | Chip Kelly road the short bus. Just saying... |
| 14 (15) | San Diego Chargers | 1-0 | Yeah! The whales vagina won! |
| 15 (17) | Buffalo Bills | 1-0 | GOOD FRICKIN' GOD! Thanks for giving ESPN an excuse to follow Rex Ryan for the entire season. YOU PISS ME OFF! |
| 16 (19) | Carolina Panthers | 1-0 | Luke Kuechly is bouncing around the locker room like a ping pong ball muttering nonsensical shit. He says he hopes to be cleared to play for Friday nights game. |
| 17 (21) | St Louis Rams | 1-0 | Your defensive line scares me, and I don't even play football anymore. |
| 18 (12) | Minnesota Vikings | 0-1 | Teddy Bridgewater took the air out of Viking fans hopes faster than Tom Brady deflates a football. |
| 19 (16) | Detroit Lions | 0-1 | Ways to disappoint fans: 121. 122. One and done in the playoffs - check 123. Get up 21-3 and blow lead - check |
| 20 (18) | Houston Texans | 0-1 | JJ Watt couldn't pull this out on his own? Perhaps you need an offense. |
| 21 (24) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-0 | Good job! You really took a switch to the Vikings! |
| 22 (23) | Atlanta Falcons | 1-0 | Dan Quinn should be put through concussion protocol for forgetting he had Julio Jones in the second half. |
| 23 (24) | New York Jets | 1-0 | Josh McCown is bouncing around the Jets locker room like a ping pong ball muttering nonsensical shit. He says he hopes to be cleared to play for Friday nights game. |
| 24 (20) | New Orleans Saints | 0-1 | 54 yards rushing? Things that make you go, "Hmmm". |
| 25 (22) | New York Giants | 0-1 | Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. |
| 26 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 1-0 | I'm not completely sold on this Macarena guy at quarterback, but I love the dance. |
| 27 (26) | Chicago Bears | 0-1 | Bears waive 3rd string quarterback David Fales. Kind of like kicking the dog because your kid spilled his juice on the carpet. |
| 28 (27) | Oakland Raiders | 0-1 | Beaten at home by a ginger. How low can you go? |
| 29 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-1 | Was this your bye week? Honestly, I wasn't even paying attention. IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! |
| 30 (29) | Cleveland Browns | 0-1 | At least you're not Detroit. |
| 31 (30) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 0-1 | See: Cleveland. |
| 32 (32) | Washington Redskins | 0-1 | This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none, and this Little piggy went, "R - G - III", all the way home. |