PROCTOLOGISTICS
As most of you know, I took this weekend off to emasculate myself, in the hopes that I may one day own another riding mower.
If all went as planned, I’m most likely buck naked, ass up in a ditch searching for my wallet and keys. In order not to disappoint my loyal readers, I took the liberty of predicting the outcomes of this weekends games, and proactively ranking the teams based on my unequaled skill, knowledge, and prowess as the preeminent power ranker of our times.
Who wins?
Glove is wearing a Def Leppard T-shirt cut off at the midriff, an imitation goat skin loin clothe, and Mike Eruzione’s skates from the 1980 Olympics, with the blades removed for his own safety. He’s armed with a broken spatula and his triangle from eighth grade band class.
Prep is wearing over sized clown shoes (which nobody notices), and Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket over a purple satin evening gown. He’s armed with a sick set of Nerf throwing stars and a tortoise shell.
The scene is an abandoned warehouse in Detroit littered with used condoms, hypodermic needles, and LKP’s tears.
The theme song is, My Heart Will Go On from the Titanic.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 18)
1469 – Ferdinand and Isabella marry. It took over five and a half centuries, but much like the Catholic monarchs, Donald Trump believes in expelling the Jews and the Muslims from our great country and increasing taxes and restricting liberties for most Jews and non-Christians. Stand by for the American inquisition.
1767 – Mason and Dixon draw line. Some may think it arbitrary, but it was largely based on IQ.
1867 – United States takes possession of Alaska. Jebediah Palin becomes first US citizen to see Russia without the aid of binoculars.
1898 – United States takes control of Puerto Rico. 119 yeas later, the sitting United States President is informed that Puerto Ricans are, indeed, American citizens.
WHO’S HOT
Adriana Lima.
WHO’S NOT
Taylor Swift
YOU SAID IT
TheHairy – How can the Vikings move up 4 spots after that performance last night – they should have moved down 4 instead
MIB – This is pretty complex, but I’ll try to keep it simple. I do what I want, bitch.
Bp – Bears, if we are being honest, too high.
MIB – Well, if we’re going to be completely honest, I know paper bags that are better lawyers than you.
G&G – Like for real, the power rankings articles are my favorites
MIB – Each week, someone comes along who restores my faith in humanity. Well done, young man.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Kansas City Chiefs | 6-0 | Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeeeeeling! |
| 2 (2) | Green Bay Packers | 5-1 | Aaron Rodgers season ending hemorrhoids is going to be tough to overcome. |
| 3 (4) | Philadelphia Eagles | 5-1 | Cam Newton? More like fig Newton. HAHAHAHA! |
| 4 (5) | Atlanta Falcons | 4-1 | I expect a huge game from Cutler. You should get 3 or 4 picks. |
| 5 (6) | Denver Broncos | 4-1 | Be careful, this could be a trap game. The Giants are going to come out energized looking for that first win... Sorry, I can't do this with a straight face. |
| 6 (7) | New England Patriots | 4-2 | Jets about to get a hot Belichick injection up their ass. |
| 7 (3) | Carolina Panthers | 4-2 | I'm with Cam, I giggle ever time I think of a chick trying to do my rankings. |
| 8 (11) | Baltimore Ravens | 4-2 | Up you go, assuming you don't get Trubiskied. |
| 9 (9) | Buffalo Bills | 3-2 | I predict you don't lose your bye. |
| 10 (8) | Minnesota Vikings | 3-3 | The only way you own the Packers is if you buy some of their worthless stock. |
| 11 (12) | Detroit Lions | 4-2 | It's hard, even for me, to imagine you losing to a bitch team like the Saints. |
| 12 (13) | Oakland Raiders | 3-3 | Playing the Chargers nurses a lot of teams back to health. |
| 13 (14) | Arizona Cardinals | 3-3 | I'm going out on a limb and assuming that since Jamis Winston is my Fantasy QB, he'll have a terrible game. |
| 14 (15) | Washington Redskins | 3-2 | It's not that I have faith in you, per say, it's just that the 49ers are determined to suck ass. |
| 15 (16) | Los Angles Rams | 3-3 | You probably lost, and now I'M the one who looks like an ass. |
| 16 (10) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 3-3 | Ben has another 5 pick game, and goes back to raping women in nightclub bathrooms. |
| 17 (17) | Seattle Seahawks | 3-2 | I'd drop your cunt asses, but you're not playing this week. |
| 18 (18) | Houston Texans | 3-3 | That was amazing when J. J. Watt tore off is broken leg and threw it on the field to make the saving tackle on what would have been a game winning drive for Cleveland. |
| 19 (19) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-3 | Bye week. Looks like we have to wait another week to see if any of you have the balls to stand up to Jerry Jones. |
| 20 (28) | Tennessee Titans | 3-3 | My only prediction here is Monday Night Football will have it's lowest ratings in over 10 years. |
| 21 (20) | New York Jets | 3-3 | All good things must come to an end. STRK: L1 |
| 22 (21) | New Orleans Saints | 2-3 | I wouldn't be the least bit upset if I were wrong, and you retards beat the Lions. |
| 23 (22) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 3-3 | If you guys could do me a favor and lose at home to the Rams, I'd look REALLY good here. |
| 24 (24) | Cincinnati Bengals | 2-3 | You have bye. You're safe, ONE WEEK! |
| 25 (23) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-3 | Buccaneer Fuckaneer In Arizona Suckin' rear |
| 26 (25) | Miami Dolphins | 2-3 | All I can see is your O-line coaches eyes glazing over ever time he saw the sideline or a yard marker. |
| 27 (26) | Indianapolis Colts | 2-4 | I'd have to predict the outcome of your game regardless, because there's no way I'm watching that shit show on Monday night. |
| 28 (27) | Los Angles Chargers | 1-5 | You will lose, this I know, cause the bible tells me so. |
| 29 (29) | Chicago Bears | 1-5 | bp thinks you're too high. I think he's a hack lawyer. |
| 30 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 0-6 | As promised, time for the other sucky teams to get there shot at being 32. |
| 31 (30) | New York Giants | 0-6 | What's Jason Pierre Paul's favorite card game? Three finger monte! |
| 32 (31) | San Francisco 49ers | 0-6 | Enjoy the week thinking about the #1 draft pick. |