PROCTOLOGISTICS
Here’s a little story about a man named Jed. Stripped Ellie May and threw her in the bed. Took down his pants and out popped a worm, and on that worm was a bubbling sperm. Cum that is, Texas tea…
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked.
Talk about a shit show. Just when you figured it all out, The Jaguars curb stomp the Ravens, The hapless Jets roll the Dolphins, the Packers struggle to beat a pathetic Bengals team, and the pathetic Bears take down the mighty Steelers.
While the President seems determined to divide a nation, I will strive to unite our diverse fan bases. Y’all don’t know shit! This league and the fortunes of your favorite team can turn on a dime. At least we can all agree that the grass is green , the sky is blue, and Raji and Nardo are short. Let’s build on our common beliefs and make this a better site.
Now, if you’ll all join me in locking arms and taking a knee, we’ll get these rankings started.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 20)
1540 – Jesuit order established. Ignatius de Sandusky wrung his hands and licked his lips. Within five years, the average diameter of an adolescent males asshole had increased by .0328 inches.
1779 – John Adams appointed to negotiate peace terms with British. His first act is to draft a travel ban to prevent any more British soldiers from entering the American colonies.
1939 – Poland surrenders. They meant to declared war, but hey…they’re Polocks.
WHO’S HOT
The NFL. Teams united this week to stand up for racial inequality, or kneel down, or stay in the tunnel, or…not. Whatever, they tried to do SOMETHING.
WHO’S NOT
Racial equality. After a Presidential Tweet, the NFL’s strong/weak reaction, and a social media storm, we are still no closer to realizing that ALL men/women are created equal. The human race sucks the most dicks EVER.
YOU SAID IT
BP – I’m sensitive to criticisms of black men since they’re already seen as monsters worthy of immediate on sight death. But black female articulation is often seen by them as mindless male bashing when all it is is their cry for understanding and halting all forms of domestic abusive — physical and mental. I hate divided conversations between black men and women. We are a family responsible for each other.
MIB – Amen, brother! Take a knee. You’ve earned it.
BWC – I actually agree with the rankings for the most part.
This is weird and now I don’t know what to do with my hands.
MIB – Oddly, this makes me want to shoot myself in the face. I’m not sure where I strayed or even that I was capable of fucking up this badly.
Curtis -This is my favorite article…nice job, MIB
MIB – My good, kind sir, your comments reflect a rare intelligence and clearness vision which is sorely lacking on this site.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Kansas City Chiefs | 3-0 | Fitting we have a racist team at the top of the rankings on such a pivotal week. |
| 2 (6) | Atlanta Falcons | 3-0 | I'm giving you way more respect than a team with such an epic Superbowl collapse in their rear view mirror, but I reward wins. |
| 3 (5) | New England Patriots | 2-1 | Moving up the rankings while the entire country struggles with what it actually means to be a patriot. |
| 4 (2) | Oakland Raiders | 2-1 | Losing to the Redskins may have been the most appropriate symbol of protest all week. |
| 5 (3) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-1 | You lost to the fucking Bears? 5 is too high. |
| 6 (9) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-1 | MURICAS TEAM! Kneeling BEFORE the National Anthem was both moving and lame. |
| 7 (8) | Green Bay packers | 2-1 | Can't wait to drop you below Mike Glennon's Bears next week. Sleep well. |
| 8 (17) | Buffalo Bills | 2-1 | Hump the Broncos, jump the Broncos, I always say. |
| 9 (4) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-1 | It's not so much the loss, but the ass whooping that bothers me. |
| 10 (16) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-1 | Doing it without a quarterback seems to be the NFCN way. Way to fuck Drew Brees out of a contract. |
| 11 (7) | Denver Broncos | 2-1 | Cutler to Miami must still be fucking with your heads. |
| 12 (18) | Washington Redskins | 2-1 | Racists and racism can both win in the same week. I'm looking for a big year out of the Blackhawks and the NAACP! |
| 13 (11) | Arizona Cardinals | 1-2 | It might be better if you weren't named after an annoying bird. Isn't there a minority we aren't insulting yet? |
| 14 (12) | Carolina Panthers | 2-1 | Great start to the season, right up to the point you decided to lose to a division rival. |
| 15 (13) | Houston Texans | 1-2 | Giving you a little street cred for actually putting up 30 points. |
| 16 (14) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 1-1 | You can't face Mike Glennon every week. |
| 17 (10) | Seattle Seahawks | 1-2 | You suck balls. |
| 18 (21) | Philadelphia Eagles | 2-1 | Not like your wins were impressive, but they're wins. |
| 19 (15) | Detroit Lions | 2-1 | You are who we thought you were. |
| 20 (23) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-1 | Most impressive win of the week. I may have to start paying attention to you. |
| 21 (24) | Los Angles Rams | 2-1 | Best team in LA by far...for now. |
| 22 (26) | Tennessee Titans | 2-1 | Words cannot express my disinterest in you. |
| 23 (22) | New Orleans Saints | 1-2 | WHOO! A win! |
| 24 (27) | Chicago Bears | 1-2 | The end zone is the second to last white line on the field. Doesn't matter which direction you're heading. It's always a good idea to cross that line BEFORE you celebrate, unless you're a worthless, retarded fuck. |
| 25 (19) | Miami Dolphins | 1-1 | Hmmm...the Cutty era begins. |
| 26 (28) | Indianapolis Colts | 1-2 | Looky here, the Dolts won. |
| 27 (25) | Los Angeles Chargers | 0-3 | Yeah! You're the best 0-3 team! |
| 28 (20) | New York Giants | 0-3 | Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant. |
| 29 (31) | New York Jets | 1-2 | pains my heart to give you credit, but you fuckers found a way to win. |
| 30 (29) | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-3 | I see you're trying to stay with Cleveland in the divisional standings. |
| 31 (30) | San Francisco 49ers | 0-3 | My dog strategically places dog shit in my back yard that puts up a better defense than you. |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 0-3 | I saw a monkey jacking off at the zoo. Very entertaining. You're not. |