PROCTOLOGISTICS
I realize it’s still early in the season, but the product the NFL is putting on the field is pure trash. It’s hard to watch games. Shitty announcers, crappy play, stupid penalties, TV timeouts, and empty stadiums. I get it. The NFL knows they own us. They’re making money hand over fist, and no matter how ugly the hooker, we’re still leaving a $20 on the nightstand. My problem is, I’m tired of getting hand jobs from Marty Feldman. I mean, for God sake, at least give us a happy ending.
I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer here. My Fantasy Football team, Harambe Bukkake, scored the most points in my league, and I kicked the living shit out of Mazed and Confused. Now that’s something we can all feel good about!
Now that I have you all smiling, and your genitals feel all warm and cozy, here come the rankings.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 20)
1806 – The returning Lewis and Clark reach the first white settlement on the Missouri. They were greeted by a raucous crowd of native Americans assembled for a Red Lives Matter rally.
1973 – King triumphs in Battle of Sexes. I have a hard time with this one. Bobby Riggs really wasn’t much of a man, and Billie Jean King was a bull dyke, so the way I figure it, the man still won.
1975 – The Bay City Rollers make their U.S. debut on Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell. It’s a wonder that SNL managed to survive this hellish fuckfest.
WHO’S HOT
Donald Trump. Threatened to wipe out a nation of 25 million people. Don’t fuck with this bad azz. Dudes drives golf carts on greens and gives zero fucks.
WHO’S NOT
Kim Jung-Un. The little “Rocketman” was totally pwnd by the POTUS in front of the UN.
YOU SAID IT
natesweet – Dropped the Bears a spot of hanging with the Falcons, huh?
MIB – That’s correct, and I’m dropping them another spot for losing to Tampa, because I’m the original hipster of power rankings when it comes to dropping teams who lose games. OH SNAP!
Donny – Good article MIB. Must be that sex you’re getting.
MIB – Thank you, Donald. The sex definitely helps, but I won’t really hit my stride until I can put the whole riding mower incident behind me.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Kansas City Chiefs | 2-0 | At his pace, Andy Reid will be down to his jock strap by week 8. |
| 2 (2) | Oakland Raiders | 2-0 | BOOM! look at who's No.2! |
| 3 (3) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-0 | I appreciate Mike Tomlin saying that Mike Glennon looks "statuesque", but old Foxy's sticking with the giraffe. |
| 4 (6) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-0 | Enjoy this while the offenses catch up to the defenses, and you realize you're stuck with Flacco. |
| 5 (7) | New England Patriots | 1-1 | Embarrassing loss followed by an ass raping. Very Sanduskyesque of you. |
| 6 (8) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-0 | Now I know that at 2-0 you're not feeling the love, but 28-3 is hard to forget. |
| 7 (10) | Denver Broncos | 2-0 | I guess we can eliminate you as the mystery shitter. |
| 8 (5) | Green Bay Packers | 1-1 | The Bears played better against the Falcons than you did. Let that sink in. |
| 9 (4) | Dallas Cowboys | 1-1 | I can't wait for the sex scandal with Jerry Jones and a sock puppet named Winky. |
| 10 (9) | Seattle Seahawks | 1-1 | Squeaking by the 49ers hardly warrants this ranking, but it should piss some people off, which is always nice. |
| 11 (15) | Arizona Cardinals | 1-1 | Floating to the top like a partially aerated turd. |
| 12 (14) | Carolina Panthers | 2-0 | Let me guess, you fellthat being 2-0 entitles you to be ranked higher. Here's a little secret, *whispers I give zero fucks. |
| 13 (16) | Houston Texans | 1-1 | Careful you don't get a nose bleed this high in the rankings. |
| 14 (17) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 1-0 | Don't get too excited. Beating Mike Glennon and the Bears is the equivalent of punching a baby with downs syndrome. |
| 15 (22) | Detroit Lions | 2-0 | Boo Hoo, "We should be higher." The futile history of your fucked up franchise says otherwise. |
| 16 (11) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-1 | Did you know you have a fan named Shooter who cringes ever time he hears your Viking horn because he was anally violated. Yep, this kind of sums up your franchise. |
| 17 (12) | Buffalo Bills | 1-1 | 17 is probably too high, but there is so much suck below you. |
| 18 (21) | Washington Redskins | 1-1 | So, you jumped ahead of the Giants by beating the Rams. As a power ranker, this makes me want to shoot myself in the face. |
| 19 (20) | Miami Dolphins | 1-0 | I can't wait until you experience Jay Cutler first 4 INT game. |
| 20 (13) | New York Giants | 0-2 | Next week, I may have to do a thing with a to 20 followed by T-32. |
| 21 (19) | Philadelphia Eagles | 1-1 | You're hot then your cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out You're up then you're down... |
| 22 (18) | New Orleans Saints | 0-2 | You'll be in that T-32 club if you keep this up. |
| 23 (23) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-1 | And your fan base whines that you get the least respect of a the Florida teams. |
| 24 (24) | Los Angles Rams | 1-1 | Congratulations. You're the best team in LA. |
| 25 (25) | Los Angles Chargers | 0-2 | Your loss total is quickly approaching your home attendance. |
| 26 (29) | Tennessee Titans | 1-1 | You move up but stay right here. It always pisses people off when I rank a team behind the team they just beat. |
| 27 (26) | Chicago Bears | 0-2 | Turbisky learning behind Glennon is like Jimmie Johnson learing from Rainman. "Dad let's me drive slow in the driveway." |
| 28 (27) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-2 | If I wasn't sticking to football, I'd have AIDS and West Nile virus ranked ahead of you. |
| 29 (28) | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-2 | This is what happens when you put your faith in a ginger. |
| 30 (30) | San Francisco 49ers | 0-2 | Colon Crippledick is still available. |
| 31 (31) | New York Jets | 0-2 | Try this out for a new cheer: S-H-A-R-T SHART SHART SHART SHART! |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 0-2 | Somehow, starting Kizer seems antisemitic to me. |