PROCTOLOGISTICS
My friends, I come to you with a heavy heart.
Today is the last power rankings I will do this year. On the bright side, fuck you. You have no idea what a laborious, repetitive, thankless chore this is.
Before I head off to hibernate, I’d just like to thank you all for your snide comments, backhanded compliments, and general asshattery.
I’ll miss you all. Go fuck yourselves.
WEEK 17 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
My final picks rocked out at 11-5. This brings my Year to date record to 156-100. Suck it, you fucking pointy penis heads! My record proves the absolute supremacy of my penultimate power rankings!
So, here are my Wildcard round predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Kansas City | Houston (H) |
| Pittsburgh | Cincinnati (H) |
| Seattle | Minnesota (H) |
| Washington (H) | Green Bay |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (December 30)
1975 – Phuoc Binh falls to Northern Vietnam.
Phuoc Binh, the capital of Phuoc Long Province, about 60 miles north of Saigon, falls to the North Vietnamese. Phuoc Binh was the first provincial capital taken by the communists since the fall of Quang Tri on May 1, 1972.
More like Fuck Ben. AMIRITE!
1994 – Skater Nancy Kerrigan attacked
Olympic hopeful Nancy Kerrigan is attacked at a Detroit ice rink following a practice session two days before the Olympic trials. A man hit Kerrigan with a club on the back of her knee, causing the figure skater to cry out in pain and bewilderment. When the full story emerged a week later, the nation became caught up in a real-life soap opera.
Sorry, but the bitch probably had it coming.
2001 – Congress certifies Bush winner of 2000 elections.
After a bitterly contested election, Vice President Al Gore presides over a joint session of Congress that certifies George W. Bush as the winner of the 2000 election. In one of the closest Presidential elections in U.S. history, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner more then five weeks after the election due to the disputed Florida ballots.
Hilarity ensues!
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Team Deez Nuts lost a closely contested ass whooping in the FF finals.
Pro Tip: DON’T BE MIB!
WHO’S HOT
The underdogs. Shits about to get real tough.
WHO’S NOT
Spleen Gay Slackers, Is it possible to head into the playoffs with any less momentum or hope? I don’t think so.
YOU SAID IT
SDL – Hola pendejos. The End is Nigh.
MIB – Prophetic words from an ardent Packer fan.
Stafford’s Glove – LOL at Washington above GB
MIB – We shall see, my good friend. We shall see.
Raji – MIB is the Lance Easley of Power Ranking.
MIB – TOUCHDOWN!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Carolina Panthers | 15-1 | Are you the North Carolina or South Carolina Panthers? I swear to Jesus, I need to pay more attention during the regular season. |
| 2 (3) | Kansas City Chiefs | 11-5 | Your BBQ sauce sucks. Seriously, I tasted it off my girlfriends ass, and it still tasted like ass. |
| 3 (1) | Arizona Cardinals | 13-3 | Losing by 30 points at home...GENIUS! You have the Seahawks right where you want them. (I'm not sure what this means). |
| 4 (7) | Denver Broncos | 12-4 | "Fuuuuuck you! Sorry, coach. I was just letting off some steam." -Brock Osweiler |
| 5 (8) | Seattle Seahawks | 10-6 | Q-tip Carroll strikes again! |
| 6 (5) | New England Patriots | 12-4 | How many of the Manitowoc sheriffs department are former employees? Be honest. |
| 7 (6) | Minnesota Vikings | 11-5 | I'm so looking forward to the inevitable collapse. The later the better. |
| 8 (10) | Cincinnati Bengals | 12-4 | You made it to the first round of the playoffs. That must scare the sit out of you. |
| 9 (9) | Washington Redskins | 9-7 | From racism to riding cousins. You went all deep South on us. |
| 10 (3) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 10-6 | more like Shitsburgh Squealers. |
| 11 (12) | Houston Texans | 9-7 | Your Cowboys bandwagon should be huge. |
| 12 (11) | Green Bay Packers | 10-6 | So much to prove, so little time. |
| 13 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 3-13 | Each week I had to decide between watching you, and sticking my dick in a jar of glass shards. The scars are quite stunning, |
| 14 (31) | Cleveland Browns | 3-13 | I did some analytics, You suck. |
| 15 (30) | San Diego Chargers | 4-12 | Same thing every weekend, "Should we go to the Chargers game, or hop down to Tijuana and catch a donkey show?" |
| 16 (28) | Dallas Cowboys | 4-12 | I hope when Trump builds his wall, it's on the north border of Texas. |
| 17 (26) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 5-11 | The fact that you are too stupid to petition to move to LA speaks volumes. |
| 18 (25) | Baltimore Ravens | 5-11 | If it makes any difference, you have my vote for most disappointing team of the year |
| 19 (29) | San Francisco 49ers | 5-11 | I will truly miss Jim Tomsula at the podium. |
| 20 (27) | Miami Dolphins | 6-10 | Who wouldn't want to go to Miami and coach Ndamukong Suh at a quarter of his salary? |
| 21 (23) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 6-10 | Welcome to the Lovie era. |
| 22 (22) | New York Giants | 6-10 | I thought Tom Coughlin took his "resignation" very well, didn't you? |
| 23 (20) | Chicago Bears | 6-10 | So much aout John Fox improving his teams record in his first year as head coach, That's one monkey off your back! |
| 24 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 7-9 | You're still be overpaying Drew Brees, but at least you'll save a few bucks when Sean Payton jumps ship to New York. |
| 25 (17) | Philadelphia Eagles | 7-9 | You should be able to recover from the Chip Kelly experiment in four years...max. |
| 26 (15) | Oakland Raiders | 7-9 | I'm sure Al Davis would be proud. |
| 27 (14) | Saint Louis Rams | 7-9 | See you in LA...again |
| 28 (21) | Detroit Lions | 7-9 | Congratulations, you complete fuckups. You dropped 5 draft spots by beating the Bears. |
| 29 (18) | Atlanta Falcons | 8-8 | Remember when you were 5-0? Good times. |
| 30 (19) | Indianapolis Colts | 8-8 | It's hard to fire a cancer survivor. Isn't it? |
| 31 (16) | Buffalo Bills | 8-8 | Will you chucklefucks ever win get anything right? |
| 32 (4) | New York Jets | 10-5 | Fucked by Rex Ryan again. Classic! |