PROCTOLOGISTICS
Holy crap! The season is three quarters of the way over. It’s crunch time. December football is where we separate the men from the boys, or as they say in England, a normal evening.
This week, the teams ranked 29-31 (and not just in my rankings), all won last weekend. It’s officially silly season. Teams with noting to win, also have nothing to lose. Teams with everything on the line, are battling trough injuries and feeling the pressure to make the playoffs.
A lot of people have been saying this has been a shit year in the NFL, but I disagree. Many of the games have been ugly, the number of egregious errors by referees is off the charts, but maybe this is what parity in the NFL looks like. After twelve games, the only team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs is the Cleveland Browns. Granted, it may take a miracle for a few of the teams to make it, but it is still possible.
So, grab your comfy slippers, your favorite beverage, and melt into your lucky chair. Enjoy the final four weeks of the regular season with me, you’re guru and bestest friend.
ADDENDUM
The Charge of the Light Brigade
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
| 1. Half a league, half a league,  Half a league onward,All in the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.“Forward, the Light Brigade! “Charge for the guns!” he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.
2. 3. 4. 5. 6. |
WEEK 14 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
I took it up the pooper this week. I guess that will happen when the teams ranked 29-31 all win. At any rate, I went 7-9 on the week, and my Year to date record is now 116-76.
So, here are my week 14 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Miami (H) | New York Giants |
| Arizona (H) | Minnesota |
| Buffalo | Philadelphia (H) |
| San Francisco | Cleveland (H) |
| St Louis (H) | Detroit |
| Tampa Bay (H) | New Orleans |
| New York Jets (H) | Tennessee |
| Cincinnati (H) | Pittsburgh |
| Indianapolis | Jacksonville (H) |
| Kansas City (H) | San Diego |
| Chicago (H) | Washington |
| Carolina (H) | Atlanta |
| Seattle | Baltimore (H) |
| Denver (H) | Oakland |
| Green Bay (H) | Dallas |
| New England | Houston (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)
1854 – “The charge of the Light Brigade” is published by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Read it. It will make you a better person.
1942 – Bears great, and Hall Of Fame linebacker, Dick Butkus was born.
And, you thought Suh was dirty.
1965 – “A Charlie Brown Christmas” premiered.
This must be Robbie Gould’s favorite movie of all time.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Team Deez Nuts lost a close game this week, but I still took first place in my division, and I will be taking on Chris Carter’s Fall Guys (AKA, MKE) in round one of the playoffs,
Pro Tip: Don’t draft players from your rival team. I t will drive you nuts.
WHO’S HOT
The Kansas City Chiefs ave now won six in a row, including three away games within their division.
WHO’S NOT
The New England Patriots. Losers of two straight, and there isn’t a fan from another team who gives a single fuck.
YOU SAID IT
natesweet – I made it before the poop arrives.
MIB – No, actually, you came right after the poop.
MKE – Lions should be ahead of Chicago.
MIB – Did you mean, “Give head to Chicago”?
AllSaintsRow – MIBs rankings are the only articles I read.
MIB – It’s my honor to have as a fan, the only person who can read South of the Mason Dixon Line.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Carolina Panthers | 12-0 | You kids these days and your damn "Dapping", |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 10-2 | Ramming it to a ram is illegal in at least 39 of the 50 states. |
| 3 (3) | Cincinnati Bengals | 10-2 | I'm going to invent a Carson polymer to bind your fan base together. |
| 4 (4) | Denver Broncos | 10-2 | I hope Peyton has a clause in his contract that allows him to throw at least one pass if you make it to the Superbowl. |
| 5 (9) | Kansas City Chiefs | 8-5 | I sure hope Andy Reid has a plan to take Alex Smith one win further than he ever took Donovan McNabb. |
| 6 (5) | New England Patriots | 10-2 | You've run out of depth chart. time to devise your next cheating scheme. |
| 7 (10) | Seattle Seahawks | 7-5 | You're like the relatives who just don't know when it's time to leave. Don't mistake our endurance for hospitality. |
| 8 (11) | New York Jets | 7-5 | I told Fitzpatrick to shave is stupid beard five weeks ago, and that stupid bastard wouldn't listen. |
| 9 (14) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 7-5 | Steelers are relying on the deep ball. “We’re not afraid to take shots,” Roethlisberger said. "I'm DTF, if you know what I mean." |
| 10 (13) | Green Bay Packers | 8-4 | Thank God for the LOLions! |
| 11 (6) | Minnesota Vikings | 8-4 | Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer had Adrian Peterson's son talk to the team after last weeks game, on how to handle the emotional scars from such a ruthless beat down. |
| 12 (7) | Houston Texans | 6-6 | Fuck the Patriots for a third week in a row, and I will be forever in your debt. |
| 13 (8) | Indianapolis Colts | 6-6 | Just lose already! For fuck's sake, Pagano has already survived cancer, why do you want him to have a heart attack? |
| 14 (17) | Buffalo Bills | 6-6 | Rex Ryan is the white version of Lovie Smith. |
| 15 (18) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 6-6 | Lovie Smith is the white version of Mike Tomlin. |
| 16 (23) | Philadelphia Eagles | 5-7 | The Chip Kelly debate rages on: "He's an insane cunt!" "He's a genius!" |
| 17 (12) | Chicago Bears | 5-7 | Time for a new long snapper and kicker. Lucy and Charlie Brown are available. |
| 18 (15) | Washington Redskins | 5-7 | Please be kind to the Bears, they are in a very delicate state. |
| 19 (28) | Miami Dolphins | 5-7 | You're 5-7. You beat te Ravens by two points. You'er about as satisfying as going to your grandmothers on Sunday and finding a bowl of hard butterscotch candy. |
| 20 (19) | Oakland Raiders | 5-7 | You can still make your coaches farewell tour memorable. |
| 21 (20) | New York Giants | 5-7 | What in the name of fuck does it take to get Tom Coughlin fired? |
| 22 (16) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-6 | I can't thank you enough for shutting up your fans. Kudos to you! |
| 23 (21) | St Louis Rams | 4-8 | Jeff Fisher will always have a porn career to fall back on. Those mustaches don't grow on trees. |
| 24 (22) | Baltimore Ravens | 4-8 | No dishonor in losing to Miami on the road. BWAHAHAHAHA! |
| 25 (24) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 4-8 | The Irony is not lost on me that you and the Titans combine for the highest scoring game of the weekend. |
| 26 (29) | Dallas Cowboys | 4-8 | What did you expect? You are the asshole of Texas. The ring muscle of the mudwhistle, if you will. |
| 27 (30) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-8 | Blaine Gabbert is the next Matt Flynn! That bastard ran through the Bears defense like it was...well, the Bears defense. |
| 28 (25) | Detroit Lions | 4-8 | WOW! JUST, WOW! Personally, I consider what you do to your fans as domestic violence. |
| 29 (26) | New Orleans Saints | 4-8 | Still in love with Sean Payton and Drew Brees? Good, because they fucked your franchise. |
| 30 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 3-9 | Let me be the first to say, Congratulations on your third win of the 2015 season. OK, probably the only one to congratulate you on that. |
| 31 (27) | San Diego Chargers | 3-9 | You're making a very strong case to be the next franchise in Los Angeles. |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 2-10 | Nothing an arrogant, immature, alcoholic can't fix. |