PROCTOLOGISTICS
Dear NFL Football,
Welcome back. I’m really tired of listening to the assholes on FYS spouting their inane, asinine bullshit. It’s like watching Prep fisting orangutans while being felched by Raji, who’s finger blasting Gundy. Sure, it’s fun for a while…
Anyway, it gives me the opportunity to bitch slap some sense into these cocksuckers.
I hope you all enjoy the 2017 NFL season…or not. I don’t really give a fuck.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 7)
1813 – The US is nicknamed Uncle Sam. Turns out Aunt Samantha had balls after all.
1864 – The city of Atlanta is evacuated during the Civil War. Turns out the war was anything but civil, and we’re still fighting it today.
1911 – Guillaume Apollinaire is arrested for stealing the Mona Lisa. My guess is he couldn’t get a hold of a Sears catalog, and he thought the ugly bitch might provide some fapping material.
WHO’S HOT
I’m on motherfucking fire. I’m getting married next month, got side fires on the reg, and my penis has seen more action then BP and MKE’s mothers combined.
WHO’S NOT
LKP. This is the time of year when all his bullshit falls apart.
YOU SAID IT
Staffords_Glove – I’m home in bed sick today😷
MIB – Not like you to waste a sick day when there’s not meetup.
Raji – I made a FB recipe for the first time ever this morning.
MIB – My post about shitting in a crock pot was a joke, dude.
Well, I hope this doesn’t get me fired.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | New England Patriots | 0-0 | They're like the chick who sucked the best dick in high school, everyone overrates them. |
| 2 | Kansas City Chiefs | 0-0 | I have a niece and nephew who are both Kansas City cops. If you have a problem with where the Chiefs are ranked, you can take it up with them. |
| 3 | Oakland Raiders | 0-0 | No city inspires hope and confidence like Oakland. |
| 4 | Seattle Seahawks | 0-0 | You'll understand this better after they knock off Green Bay week 1. |
| 5 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 0-0 | They sexiest part of this pick is that it pisses just about everyone off. |
| 6 | Dallas Cowboys | 0-0 | Hard not to pick a team with a woman beater on it. Always worth a couple of spots in the rankings. |
| 7 | Atlanta Falcons | 0-0 | I thought about putting them at 28 and 3. |
| 8 | New York Giants | 0-0 | This mostly just allows me to push Green Bay down one more spot. |
| 9 | Green Bay Packers | 0-0 | Dom Capers will fuck it up, but not until they make the playoffs. |
| 10 | Baltimore Ravens | 0-0 | This is more of a reflection on how badly Cincinnati and Cleveland will suck. |
| 11 | Arizona Cardinals | 0-0 | More like Anus Blowing Shrapnel, AMIRITE! |
| 12 | Denver Broncos | 0-0 | From here on out, all of the teams stink, so just deal with it. |
| 13 | Houston Texans | 0-0 | If Deshaun Watson doesn't blow goats, they should compete. |
| 14 | New Orleans Saints | 0-0 | This is so I can laugh at thenichels every week as they plummet down the rankings. |
| 15 | Minnesota Vikings | 0-0 | I'm not convinced they won't finish last in the division, but what the hell? |
| 16 | Buffalo Bills | 0-0 | Every year I give these motherfuckers the benefit of the doubt, and every year I end up regretting it. |
| 17 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 0-0 | Jamis Winston is on my FF team, so he better have a career year. |
| 18 | Washington Redskins | 0-0 | Hard to rank a blatantly racist team any lower with Trump in the White House. |
| 19 | Carolina Panthers | 0-0 | This seems like about the right amount of suck. |
| 20 | Miami Dolphins | 0-0 | Even with Cutler as their QB, they can't lose week 1. |
| 21 | Indianapolis Colts | 0-0 | It's all up to Andrew Cuck. |
| 22 | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-0 | If Trump bans transgender people from the NFL, they could drop a bit more. |
| 23 | Philadelphia Eagles | 0-0 | Milfadelphia Fecals. Enough said. |
| 24 | Los Angles Chargers | 0-0 | LOL San Diego! |
| 25 | Chicago Bears | 0-0 | Having a midget called "The Human Joystick" has to be worth a couple of spots. |
| 26 | Tennessee Titans | 0-0 | I bet your fans wish your practice facilities were in the path of Irma. |
| 27 | Detroit Lions | 0-0 | TruRanking! |
| 28 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-0 | Blake Bortals Blows Bloated Bovine Baculum |
| 29 | Los Angles Rams | 0-0 | Double LOL San Diego! |
| 30 | San Francisco 49ers | 0-0 | Your team sucks as much dick as your city. |
| 31 | New York Jets | 0-0 | Wait...OK, just making sure I had the right New York team here. We're good. |
| 32 | Cleveland Browns | 0-0 | You've earned the honor of this spot at the beginning of each new league year. |