This is the final power rankings of this mediocre, down year football season. As you can see, the Patriots are the champions now. There’s really no reason to play out the string. Congratulations Brady, you really showed Roger Goodell who is boss and cleared your name in the eyes of America. Say hello to Gisele for me. She seems nice. And make sure she is aware that her husband can, indeed, do everything.
| RANK | TEAM | HAWT TAEK |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | New England Patriots | With this accomplishment, the Patriots really have nothing left to prove. |
| 2 | Dallas Cowboys | Who would have picked them as the second most powery team in the league at the beginning of the season? |
| 3 | Kansas City Chiefs | It is sorta sad that they are coached by Andy Reid, and therefore can't really act as a block for the Patriots in the playoffs. |
| 4 | Atlanta Falcons | Matt Ryan is less great at quarterbacking football teams than Aaron Rodgers, but should be the league MVP. |
| 5 | Pittsburgh Steelers | After a rough start to the season, they finish strong despite Big Ben not playing his best. |
| 6 | Green Bay Packers | Prolly just run the table then. |
| 7 | New York Giants | A loss, but not likely to be a harmful one. |
| 8 | Seattle Seahawks | I don't think they are all that good. |
| 9 | Houston Texans | The AFC South sure is forgiving. |
| 10 | Miami Dolphins | The run continues, and they are playoff bound. |
| 11 | Oakland Raiders | The record is better than a 10th ranking, but we all know they are dead in the water. Must win in Buffalo and kill Rex Ryan's head coaching career. |
| 12 | Detroit Lions | Got whipped, son! |
| 13 | Washington Redskins | Left hoping the Packers and Lions don't agree on a gentleman's tie. |
| 14 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | A nice step forward this year for a team with a bright future. |
| 15 | Baltimore Ravens | Competent all year long, just not that talented. |
| 16 | Tennessee Titans | Another team with a bright future. Break a leg in 2017. |
| 17 | Denver Broncos | Missing that Manning Magic. |
| 18 | New Orleans Saints | Having damaged one south opponent, can they also make life more difficult for Atlanta? |
| 19 | Buffalo Bills | Sexy Rexy is on the market, ladies. |
| 20 | Indianapolis Colts | Watching Luck try and drag this undermanned team to the playoffs every year is like watching Manning 10-15 years ago. Except Manning was a far better player and actually took them to the show all the time. Luck is just *supposed* to be that kind of quarterback, but he's never actually proven it on the field at the NFL level. I guess what I am saying is that while he is a fine quarterback, he certainly is not "elite," and even the dumbest of media personnel have come around on the topic. Good thing nobody on here would obstinately continue to believe Luck is among the best. |
| 21 | Minnesota Vikings | This team started 5-0 and will not finish with a winning record. These are fun facts. |
| 22 | Carolina Panthers | Both Super Bowl contenders missed the playoffs. |
| 23 | Philadelphia Eagles | Beating the Giants salvages something out of a lost season. |
| 24 | Arizona Cardinals | Three of the final four teams from last year are missing the playoffs. |
| 25 | Cincinnati Bengals | Almost as disappointing as the season their former defensive coordinator had to suffer through. |
| 26 | San Diego Chargers | Rivers can now concentrate on being fruitful and multiplying. |
| 27 | Los Angeles Rams | The NFL really took L.A. by storm. |
| 28 | New York Jets | Gave up, eh? |
| 29 | Chicago Bears | Can't count on you for shit with shit. Lose to the Lions, lose to Washington. Sure, make Green Bay do everything all by itself without the help of anyone else. |
| 30 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Bortles more like chortles. |
| 31 | San Fransisco 49ers | That will teach you what happens to pinko commies. |
| 32 | Cleveland Browns | 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0 and oh. |