PROCTOLOGISTICS
I’d like to start out by saying, my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and families of the victims in the recent shooting in Las Vegas. And, now that I’ve done everything I can possibly do for those victims, I say, fuck it, let’s get on to some rankings.
These are truly troubling times we live in. Buffalo, Jacksonville, and Detroit are all leading their respective divisions. The end of days is near. As we see in revelations, Chapter 14 Verses 7 through 9:
7 He said in a loud voice, “Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.” 8 A second angel followed and said, “ ‘Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great,’ which made all the nations drink the maddening wine of her adulteries.” 9 A third angel followed them and said in a loud voice: Nigh is the end when Buffalo, Jacksonville, and Detroit are all leading their respective divisions.”
Amen
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 4)
1957 – Sputnik launched. The cold war era were fearful times, but Spunik lit a fire under our ass and we beat those cunts to the moon, tore down the Berlin wall, and split up the Soviet Union…and then they stuck us with Trump.
1965 – Pope visits New York. This marked the first time the reigning pope visited the United States. He gave a brief speech saying, “Your pizza sucks, you talk like you have dicks in your mouths, and the statue of liberty is a butterface, WND.”
1970 – Janis Joplin dies. No jokes here, just a prophetic lyric: “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, don’t mean nothin’ hon’ if it ain’t free…”
WHO’S HOT
Kansas City Chiefs, the only remaining undefeated team inf the NFL. Andy Reid said it best: “I am the egg man, they are the egg men I am the walrus, goo goo goo joob”
WHO’S NOT
Los angles Chargers, New York Giants, San Francisco 49ers, and Cleveland all remain winless, and deserve all the shit we can heap on them.
YOU SAID IT
Shooter – Surprisingly accurate rankings from an unrivaled asshole.
MIB – THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF COMMENT I NEED TO IMPROVE AS A POWER RANKER. You, my friend, are a complete idiot. You have inspired me to tear these rankings up and start from scratch. WELL DONE!
LKP – Lions 3-0 should be ranked 1.
MIB – I just checked, and the Lions are 3-1. Based or your post from last week, I’m assuming they lost to the Vikings this week, and based on that loss, my conscience will not allow me to move them into the top 10.
ASR – Falcons have Bills, BYE, Dolphins. All Home. Should be 5-0.
MIB – And yet, they are now 3-1 and ranked behind said Bills. Those cunts will rip your heart out every time.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Kansas City Chiefs | 4-0 | As the first power ranker in the nation to have you in the #1 spot, I'd like to thank you for continuing to validate my genius. |
| 2 (5) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 3-1 | I still get a queasy feeling ranking you this high, knowing you are the only team to lose to Mike Glennon. |
| 3 (7) | Green Bay Packers | 3-1 | I'm not sure if beating the Bears warrants this jump, but any team who can play through the injuries you've had deserves some recognition. |
| 4 (8) | Buffalo Bills | 3-1 | While Patrick Kane knocks up your women, you've knock three teams from the ranks of the undefeated. |
| 5 (2) | Atlanta Falcons | 3-1 | Surely no one could have foreseen Matt Ryan regressing to the mean. *Rolls eyes |
| 6 (11) | Denver Broncos | 3-1 | I like the way you swallow your Siemian. |
| 7 (14) | Carolina Panthers | 3-1 | Sorry, losing to the Saints carries more weight than Sneaking past the Bills. |
| 8 (18) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-1 | Probably too high. You lost to the only decent team you played. |
| 9 (3) | New England Patriots | 2-2 | This ranking is based more on your coach than the team on the field. Also, we all know you'll find some way to cheat. |
| 10 (4) | Oakland Raiders | 2-2 | Blah blah blah, something about putting the Carr in Manual. |
| 11 (19) | Detroit Lions | 3-1 | You are literally the anti Patriots and Packers. While they need to REALLY fuck up to lose my respect, you need to ride in on unicorns and shoot laser beams out of you asses before you gain any respect. |
| 12 (13) | Arizona Cardinals | 2-2 | Your losses weren't terrible, but your wins were less than impressive. You epitomize the grandfuckery of it all when it comes to power rankings, |
| 13 (10) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-2 | Did you realize you were also mentioned in revelations? (Purple and Gold) Chapter 17, verse 4: 4 The woman was dressed in purple and scarlet, and was glittering with gold, precious stones and pearls. She held a golden cup in her hand, filled with abominable things and the filth of her adulteries. |
| 14 (21) | Los Angles Rams | 3-1 | For the first week of the year, I think I may have you ranked too low. If you agree, get in line with all the other fans to blow me. |
| 15 (12) | Washington Redskins | 2-2 | Thank you for an entertaining Monday night game. Especially the LOL at the end. |
| 16 (15) | Houston Texans | 2-2 | Congrats, you're officially the best team in Texas. |
| 17 (6) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-2 | If Houston is the best team in Texas, theat would make you mouth breathing, knuckle dragging ass munching losers. In other words, noting has changed. |
| 18 (9) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-2 | Spanked by your division rival = spanked in the rank. |
| 19 | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-1 | I would have put you higher, but I had Jameis Winston on my bench in FF. He would have won me the game, and I haven't gotten over that yet. |
| 20 (17) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-2 | You are definitely ranked to high, but I am going to enjoy your slow downward spiral as long as I can. |
| 21 (23) | New Orleans Saints | 2-2 | The Saints showing sings of having a defense is probably another sign of the Apocalypse, but I'm burnt out on religion and too tired to look it up. |
| 22 (29) | New York Jets | 2-2 | The pope said it best, "Your pizza sucks, you talk like you have dicks in your mouths, and the statue of liberty is a butterface, WND." |
| 23 (20) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-2 | It is easier to pull a needle out of a camels ass than it is for your pathetic franchise to move up in the rankings. It's actually more enjoyable too. |
| 24 (22) | Tennessee Titans | 2-2 | It's as if Jeff Fischer never left. |
| 25 (24) | Chicago Bears | 1-3 | Just when I had given up, you bastards give me a reason to suffer through another game. THANKS TURDBISCUIT |
| 26 (30) | Cincinnati Bengals | 1-3 | 26 is pretty generous. Not many teams can't say they beat the Browns. |
| 27 (25) | Miami Dolphins | 1-2 | Look at the bright side, Cutler is costing you 4 million less than Glennon is costing the Bears. |
| 28 (26) | Indianapolis Colts | 1-3 | I can't wait to hear from the idiots arguing you should be 26, because, "Hey , we beat the Browns too!" |
| 29 (27) | Los Angles Chargers | 0-4 | No doubt in my mind, you are the best of the four teams who can't find a way to win a single fucking football game. |
| 30 (28) | New York Giants | 0-4 | I'd like to put you lower, but it wouldn't be fair the the 49ers and the Browns who have held those spots all year. |
| 31 (31) | San Francisco 49ers | 0-4 | And you claimed Kaepernick was the embarrassment... |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 0-4 | I've literally run out of bad things to say about you. Congratulations for holding your spot at 32. |