Proctologistics
Week one is in the books, and there are already a few certainties.
- The Packers are done. Sure, they lost to the defending Superbowl champions, but the game looked like a battle between Alabama and McNeese State.
- The Vikings crushed an opponent on the road. The division is their’s to lose.
- Same old Jay. Bears might as well pack it in and start playing for a top draft choice.
- 49ers are back, baby! They crushed a stout Cowboys team in Dallas!
- Stafford is the man. Quarterbacks all over the league are scrambling to develop their sidearm mechanics.
- Rodgers, Brady, and Brees lost. Locker, Palmer, and Tannehill won. It’s time to reevaluate the “Big Three”.
OK, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s see if I can’t temper my power rankings with a slightly more rational approach.
Who’s Hot
Sorry, as much as it turns my stomach to say it, Seattle looks to be in midseason form.
Who’s Not
Dallas is a hot mess.
You Said it.
Preperation_A – “Indy above GB?”
JJ – Yes, and it shall remain that way, at least for another week.
FalconsFan – “Jaguars over the Falcons? Seems legit.”
JJ – Too legit… Too legit to quit!
OK. I may have planted a few teams to get a rise out of my audience.
Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!
| Ranking (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Seattle Seahawks | 1-0 | Looks like cheating with extra tackling drills really paid off. |
| 2 (2) | Philadelphia Eagles | 1-0 | If you’re going to spot a team 17 points, I guess Jacksonville is as good a choice as any. |
| 3 (4) | Denver Broncos | 1-0 | An older, wiser Payton Manning is conserving energy for the long season, by only playing one half. |
| 4 (3) | New England Patriots | 0-1 | Now we know how Tom Brady plays when he’s in heat. |
| 5 (5) | New Orleans Saints | 0-1 | How does it feel to be bent over by Matt Ryan |
| 6 (6) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-1 | Dear Mr. Luck, You’re not Payton Manning. You need to play both halves. |
| 7 (9) | Cincinnati Bengals | 1-0 | Let’s all do the “Hard Knocks curse is lifted” dance! |
| 8 (26) | Atlanta Falcons | 1-0 | Defending the Dome! The Dome-inators! Doin’ the Dome dance! |
| 9 (7) | Green Bay Packers | 0-1 | Hans: Row, row, row your boat… Frans: Gently down the Loser stream! |
| 10 (10) | Arizona Cardinals | 1-0 | I'm looking forward to Carson Palmer’s second career, when he becomes the famous porn star, Carson Fister. |
| 11 (8) | Baltimore Ravens | 0-1 | Whatever happened to, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”? Geez, apparently you can’t hit a woman anywhere, anymore. |
| 12 (13) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-0 | Not sure if you made Dallas look like shit, or if Dallas made you look good. |
| 13 (15) | Detroit Lions | 1-0 | It’s good to see the Lions working on eliminating stupid penalties. |
| 14 (14) | New York Jets | 1-0 | What a statement game! You beat the Raiders by 5, at home. SMH |
| 15 (11) | Chicago Bears | 0-1 | I had hope to have a comment from Chris Conte on that last run in overtime, but he was still tripping backwards, and I couldn't catch up to him. |
| 16 (17) | Houston Texans | 1-0 | Woo Hoo! One more win, and you equal last years total! |
| 17 (18) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 1-0 | You old! You slow! Your sister is a … Wholesome woman. Nice job. |
| 18 (20) | Carolina Patnhers | 1-0 | Growl like you meown it! |
| 19 (22) | Miami Dolphins | 1-0 | Every year the 1972 Dolphins celebrate. That is all. |
| 20 (25) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-0 | Possibly the most impressive win of week one. It will take a few more before I drink the purple Kool-Aid. |
| 21 (29) | Tennessee Titans | 1-0 | Quit winning. I don’t want to have to learn your names. |
| 22 (21) | San Diego Chargers | 0-1 | Philip Rivers X: The Temple of Mediocrity |
| 23 (27) | Buffalo Bills | 1-0 | It’s always a relief when “Bad Jay” shows up. |
| 24 (16) | Tampa Bay Bucaneers | 0-1 | Bears fans sure miss Lovie and Josh. |
| 25 (30) | Cleveland Browns | 0-1 | Johnny Football time! |
| 26 (23) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-1 | Your entire fan base had boners for 30 minutes. After that, it was just the women. |
| 27 (24) | Washington Redskins | 0-1 | Don’t think of it as “only 6 points”. Think of it as “the first loss of many”. |
| 28 (28) | St Louis Rams | 0-1 | God Smote you for cutting Michael Sam. |
| 29 (12) | Kansas City Chiefs | 0-1 | Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O And, on this farm he had a torn Achilles. E-I-E-I-O He had a tear here and he had a tear there… |
| 30 (19) | New York Giants | 0-1 | You are a hot, stinky mess. Like, Limburger stinky! |
| 31 (31) | Dallas Cowboys | 0-1 | LOfrickinL! |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-1 | If you don’t pick up Ray Rice, you dishonor the memory of Al Davis. |