Welcome to the first ever Five Yard Slant power rankings. Unfortunately, writer John Jedlicka had some unexpected bad news over the weekend, so I will be filling in by doing the commentary on John’s rankings. I know what you’re thinking, “Andy you’re not as funny and don’t look as handsome as John in a Cat in the Hat costume.” Well although that is true, I do believe we can all agree that the Bears are too high and move on. Now on to this awful list of poorly arranged teams.
Who’s Hot
Your Mom.
Who’s Not
Preparation_A‘s sister.
The Way Too Early Power Rankings
| Rank | Team | Record | Trending | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Seattle Seahawks | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 1 | Off to a good start John. |
| 2 | Philadelphia Eagles | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 2 | Well that escalated quickly. |
| 3 | New England Patriots | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 3 | Were you drunk? |
| 4 | Denver Broncos | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 4 | Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in. |
| 5 | New Orleans Saints | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 5 | I don't know who this Byrd guy is, but he's da bomb. |
| 6 | Indianapolis Colts | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 6 | Andrew Luck is the GOAT. |
| 7 | Green Bay Packers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 7 | Too low John. |
| 8 | Baltimore Ravens | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 8 | This is just getting out of hand now. |
| 9 | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 9 | Seriously John. |
| 10 | Arizona Cardinals | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 10 | *facepalm* |
| 11 | Chicago Bears | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 11 | Still too high. |
| 12 | Kansas City Chiefs | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 12 | Huh? |
| 13 | San Francisco 49ers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 13 | This makes me smile. |
| 14 | New York Jets | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 14 | You really put your foot in your mouth with this ranking, John. |
| 15 | Detroit Lions | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 15 | These rankings went awry faster than a Lion's season. |
| 16 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 16 | Chicago Bears south too high. |
| 17 | Houston Texans | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 17 | That defense is gonna be good. Unlike John's defense of their ranking. |
| 18 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 18 | You're assaulting our intelligence worse than Big Ben in a bar bathroom. |
| 19 | New York Giants | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 19 | This also makes me smile. |
| 20 | Carolina Panthers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 20 | These rankings are more offensive than the Panthers. |
| 21 | San Diego Chargers | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 21 | What? |
| 22 | Miami Dolphins | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 22 | At least they have the beaches. |
| 23 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 23 | I feel bad for their 3 fans. |
| 24 | Washington Redskins | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 24 | They need to change their name to the Washington John you're a horrible power ranker. I think its catchy. |
| 25 | Minnesota Vikings | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 25 | I have a feeling John fell asleep by this point and his cat finished the rankings. |
| 26 | Atlanta Falcons | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 26 | Falcon fans are going to freak out more about this ranking than an inch of snow. |
| 27 | Buffalo Bills | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 27 | This your best ranking yet. |
| 28 | St. Louis Rams | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 28 | I blame John for Sam getting cut. |
| 29 | Tennessee Titans | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 29 | Good catch John, I forgot they had a team. |
| 30 | Cleveland Browns | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 30 | The only thing worse than these rankings are the Brown's QBs. |
| 31 | Dallas Cowboys | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 31 | John quit messing with Jerry's glory hole. |
| 32 | Oakland Raiders | 0-0 | -- Last Week: 32 | Thank goodness this is over. |